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 Welcome to Sexy TIMES!This blog will report various, often random and sometimes dubious thoughts, quirks, observations, trivia, tales, questions, dreams, rants, opinions, truths, musings, stories, lies, hopes, moans, fantasies, etc in the hope of tempting you to get involved. Our mission is to put the facts in the public domain! Please feel free to write a letter to the editor at LETTERS TO THE EDITOR. Back issues of Sexy TIMES are available at INDEX OF BACK ISSUESSexy TIMES editor: spunkycumfun, Esq. Sexy TIMES proprietor: Rupert Murdoch Sexy TIMES executive designer: [blog cherimore] The editor and, of course, the proprietor take no responsibility for accuracy of the content, nor any responsibility for the propriety of how the content was gathered. Otherwise, Sexy TIMES subscribes to the highest ethical standards of journalism. |
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SMEARY MESS, PART FOUR
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Posted:Jun 17, 2016 8:04 am
Last Updated:Jul 18, 2016 12:15 pm
63664 Views
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A themed chain blog has been started by the [blog mystelle]; she tagged [blog doe_ra_me] who tagged [blog PassionCork] who then tagged me!
The storyline of the chain blog is smeary mess! Each person tagged just needs to add a sentence reflecting the ‘smeary mess’ theme and then tag another blogger in their blog post.
Already the chain blog has gone from Australia to America and now to Europe. Here’s the story so far:
"He looked in the mirror and with a steady hand applied more of the red gloop, staying carefully within the lines, to avoid making yet again another smeary mess.[1]
Malted Milk Blues; in heuristic dance slyboots picked across terrain of smeary mess.[2]
The terrain was a pitch in France, green was the field on which men strode like peacocks, but, after 90 minutes elapsed those with more balls will strut whilst the rest are laid bare, their faces a smeary mess of tears and hair gel.[3]
After the game, and amidst the flares, the men with lion-sized balls danced with joy as if they had slain a dragon generously and messily smeared with freshly sautéed leeks grown in the bleak valleys and hills of daffodils, rain and sheep[4]."
References
[1] mystelle’s [post 3821719]
[2] doe_ra_me’s [post 3839462]
[3] PassionCork’s [post 3841674]
[4] spunkycumfun’s SMEARY MESS, PART FOUR
Are you willing to be tagged?
I'm tagging joisygirl as she has often visited the land of sheep-shaggers!
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LUCKY PANTS FOR SALE
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Posted:Jun 13, 2016 9:54 am
Last Updated:Jul 22, 2016 7:05 am
65834 Views
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As a Nazi, Hermann Göring was a leading figure in the National Socialist German Workers' Party that helped Adolf Hitler take power in 1933. He also founded the Nazi secret police, the Geheime Staatspolizei, more commonly known as the Gestapo.
On Thursday Hermann Göring’s underpants are going to be sold in one of the biggest auctions of Nazi memorabilia. (I’m generally very suspicious of people who collect Nazi mementos.) His 45 inch-waist pants are expected to sell for over £400.
I often have a pair of lucky pants on the go. At the moment, my pair of lucky pants is an aquamarine, slightly see-through, pair of briefs that I purchased in an Amsterdam erotica shop. Sex, or at least solo sex, is guaranteed when I wear them!
As I want to share my luck with you all, I’m auctioning off two other pairs of my lucky pants - see photo below. There is one pair of clean and pressed Y Fronts and, as they say in the sports memorabilia trade, one pair of game-worn underpants. My lucky pants will be sold to the highest bidder.
Have you had or do you have a pair of lucky pants?
What are your favourite types of pants?
What is your bid for my two pairs of underpants?
In Britain pants are underwear, not trousers as in America. My favourite pants are briefs or trunks; I don’t like boxer shorts - things flop about too much in them!
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SEXUAL HISTORICAL MATHEMATICS
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Posted:Jun 10, 2016 9:46 am
Last Updated:Jul 18, 2016 12:15 pm
69286 Views
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It’s well known that men inflate and women deflate their numbers of sexual partners they’ve had in their lifetime. It seems both men and women lie about their numbers.
Instead of relying on these unreliable self-reported numbers, researchers sometimes estimate numbers by halving the number of sexual partners for men and doubling the number of sexual partners for women.
In 2003 two psychologists, Michele Alexander and Terri Fisher, published research findings of an interesting experiment they conducted to find out more exactly how many sexual partners that men and women have had.
In their experiment, a sample of people aged between 18 and 25 years old were told to complete a questionnaire on sexual behaviour while being wired up to a lie detector. The polygraph wasn’t actually turned on for the experiment but the respondents were not told this; they completed the questionnaire in the belief that any lies would be picked up.
Alexander and Fisher found that the difference between the young men’s and women’s reported number of heterosexual partners narrowed significantly. They found that men claimed 4.0 sexual partners and women 4.4 sexual partners.
Statistically the average number of sexual partners should be the same for both men and women.
Is the number of sexual partners that you’ve had in single, double, treble or quadruple figures?
If a prospective partner asks you how many sexual partners you’ve had, do you answer truthfully?
My number of sexual partners is well over 200; so you need to halve that figure to get the truth! I did do a list a while back but I threw it away!
If someone asks me details of my sex life, I always answer truthfully but in a very minimal and vague way. Generally I subscribe to the 'don’t ask and don’t tell' view.
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MANY CRAVINGS, ONE ADDICTION AND NO OBSESSIONS
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Posted:Jun 5, 2016 7:41 am
Last Updated:Oct 9, 2016 11:01 am
78330 Views
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This post is my contribution to the twentieth virtual symposium supremely organised by our supreme cult leader humorlife. Contributions to the 'Cravings/Addictions/Obsessions' virtual symposium can be found at the Participants List For the Twentieth Virtual Symposium CravingsAddictionsObsessions.
In terms of cravings, I have lots - no, make that lots and lots if lust is included as a craving. If I wake up in the morning thinking about an Indian curry, I have to eat one that day!
I’ve also had cravings for ice cream, coffee, beer, poached eggs, mango juice, cheese on toast, dry white wine, buttered burnt toast, ginger beer and glacé cherries. And of course I’m not immune to the universal craving for bacon.
In terms of addictions, I only have one - cigarettes. At the moment I’ve given up giving up. Very recent research, commissioned by Marlboro, has found that smokers are healthier, richer, smarter, sexier and happier than non-smokers. As Donald Trump doesn’t smoke, it’s clear that male smokers also have bigger cocks!
In terms of obsessions, I don’t think I have an obsession taking over my life. But after reading VenusRising11’s Twentieth Virtual Symposium CravingsAddictionsObsessions contribution, I’m now thinking I may obsess a little about blogging.
I have a pile of scraps of paper with ideas for blog posts on my desk. The pile is four inches high! I can’t throw any scraps of paper away. Any unsuitable ideas just get sent to the bottom of the pile in case there’s a rainy day, which of course never comes as new scraps of paper are always added to the pile. In a couple of years’ time my pile will be bigger than my cock!
What was the last thing you craved for, you were addicted to and you obsessed about?
Today looks like turning out to be a good day for satisfying my many cravings, my one addiction and my one near-obsession.
I woke up thinking about a curry this morning so I know what I’ll be eating this evening! Coffee and cigarettes have been and will remain on standby throughout the day. My blogging duties are almost done, a bottle of dry white wine is chilling in my fridge, and there’s a good chance I’ll get my balls licked tonight.
I regularly crave for my balls to be kissed, licked and sucked but not bitten. Unlike the lion, I can't do it myself!
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FARTING WITH CONFIDENCE
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Posted:Jun 3, 2016 11:30 am
Last Updated:Aug 30, 2022 4:45 am
66754 Views
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The average person farts about 15 times a day. I’m not an average farter because I don’t fart!
Heavy farters can buy a range of products to combat their flatulence. I have been tasked with testing these products, but as I can’t fart I’m looking for volunteers to test these products described and pictured below.
Several companies have developed fart-pads that are placed and worn inside underwear. Green Finch Textiles have just launched its Gas Odour Neutraliser (GON) pads. The company’s cloth fart-pads are "treated with activated physico-chemical natural absorption technology" and are "comfortable and discreet" to wear.
Subtle Butt also sells fart-pads, which are marketed as "saving graces".
But the most upmarket fart-pads are offered by Flat-D Innovations, which sells disposable, reusable and premium pads to mask the odour of flatulence.
A few companies have made special underwear to prevent any embarrassment when farting in public. For example, Shreddies make Flatulence Ladies Briefs and Men’s Hipster Boxers designed to absorb the smell of farts.
Last but not least are Bed Farts Eradication Mints. These mints eliminate the dangers of bedtime farting, especially if your partner insists on forcing you to smell their farts under the duvet!
Are you an average, an above-average or a below-average farter?
Would you be willing to test these fart-smell deodorising products? If willing, what product would you like me to dispatch to your home address for testing?
What words do you use to describe flatulence?
I call a fart a fart. When I was little, farts were trumpets!
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MY ONE-NIGHT STAND
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Posted:May 31, 2016 10:08 am
Last Updated:Aug 30, 2022 4:44 am
64611 Views
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A one-night stand, according to Wikipedia, "is a single sexual encounter without an expectation of further relations between the sexual participants ... regardless of whether a single encounter was originally intended by either participant to be a one-night stand, or whether further relations between the participants subsequently occur."
This definition, if correct, troubles me. It means that I have had loads and loads of one-night stands. In fact, every one of my sexual partners, without exception, started as a one-night stand because I never expected sex after the first time.
I think a one-night stand is a single sexual encounter regardless of expectation. It’s sex for one night because of circumstances and/or intentions.
How many one-night stands have you had?
Has your lust ever led you to have sex with someone you didn’t find attractive?
I’ve only ever knowingly had one-night stand. In my early 20s while a student in London, I met a Romanian woman who was interested in managing the band I was in. It was my job to interview her. I had a few misgivings about her being the band’s manager because she didn’t like music and she didn’t speak good English!
But she was very keen to be our manager and, because she would be paid by taking a cut of our earnings, we had nothing to lose. Up to then, the band had earned precisely nothing and I was getting fed up touting the band to get gigs and that elusive record deal.
However, I spoiled things as I walked her back to the tube station from my flat. Starved of sex for months, I suddenly asked her out of the blue whether she wanted sex before she got the last tube home. She said yes; we then went straight back to my flat and had sex.
Afterwards, I realised that she couldn’t become our manager as my lust had complicated things. She may have wanted sex again! She was my very first and last knowing one-night stand!
Unknowingly I’ve had lots of one-night stands but only they only became apparent when there was no second night! And strictly speaking, I will only ever know they were one-night stands when I’m on my death bed!
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SHAMELESSLY PIMPING BAD TASTE
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Posted:May 27, 2016 12:56 pm
Last Updated:Jun 6, 2016 2:26 am
66098 Views
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I love bad taste … provided it’s not my taste offended! But as I haven’t got much of a sense of taste, bad taste is as good as good taste to me!
On Sunday, 5 June the twentieth virtual symposium, diligently and patiently organised by the cult leader - sorry, I mean symposium convenor, humorlife, takes place. For those who don’t take part in these virtual symposiums, it’s a great way for bloggers to come together and post on a selected theme.
The vote for the next symposium’s topic is taking place – see The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic. I’m pimping everyone, even if you don’t take part in the monthly virtual symposiums, to vote for bad taste.
The reason for this is that I have a blog post already compiled that I have so far dared not post in case it offends people’s tastes. It’s nothing illegal, but it’s widely seen as off-limits particularly on this site. I did once post a blog that skirted around this issue and the comments received suggested to me I shouldn’t push it further.
I know the mantra in blogland is to blog what you want and to blog for yourself, but I don’t quite go along with this mantra.
Yes, I do blog what I like and for myself but I like to have a conversation with others and therefore I try and blog on things that may be of interest to others. I do like comments on my blog posts, even if I’m a bit tardy in replying to them; if I didn’t get any comments I’d stop blogging. I’m a social animal.
How easily offended are you?
Disregarding anything that’s illegal and not consenting, what topics do you consider to be bad taste on this site?
Will you vote for bad taste for the next virtual symposium?
I’m not easily offended. I often take insults as complements. I often find things said in bad taste quite funny!
The only bad taste topics for me are those that peddle hatred against individuals or certain groups and those that abuse their power over others. I’m a liberal - anything goes provided it’s consenting and no one gets hurt.
Anywat I hope you'll vote for bad taste. Please, please and pleasey-please vote for bad taste!
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A SPORTING SHOCK
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Posted:May 25, 2016 10:39 am
Last Updated:Jun 6, 2016 1:42 am
67539 Views
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It’s one big party in Leicester, pronounced Lester, a city about 20 miles from where I live. As many already know, Leicester City were recently crowned English football champions. The football club, owned by a Thai family company, beat teams like Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Manchester City, Manchester United and Tottenham Hotspur to take the Premiership title.
Before the season kicked off, bookmakers were giving odds of 5,000/1 for Leicester City to win the title. At odds of 2,000/1, there was more chance of finding Elvis Presley alive and well than Leicester City being champions!
A year ago Leicester City just avoided relegation. Now they are champions. For me, this is the biggest shock in football and arguably in sport.
The United Sates beating England in a World Cup game, Denmark and Greece winning the European Championships, Nottingham Forest winning the European Cup, Porto winning the Champions League, and Sunderland and Wimbledon winning the FA Cup all represent football shocks, but Leicester City’s achievement over 38 games is the biggest shock.
Before the season started, Leicester City appointed the Italian Claudio Ranieri as manager; he was just sacked as manager of Greece after they lost to the Faroe Islands and he had never won a major trophy in his managerial career. Now he is fêted the world over.
Before the season started, Leicester City had no star players. Now they have many star players coveted by top European clubs, including N'Golo Kanté and Riyad Mahrez who was recently voted footballer of the year. Leicester City‘s squad cost just over £50 million to assemble; Arsenal spent over £250 million and Manchester City spent over £400 million on their squads.
Before the season started, Leicester City had no players in the England squad. Now Danny Drinkwater and Jamie Vardy are in the England squad selected to go to France for the European Championships.
Based in Leicestershire, Walkers launched its Vardy salted crisps - that’s chips to my American friends - after Jamie Vardy scored in 11 consecutive games breaking the Premiership record. Gary Lineker, a former Leicester City player and now a football presenter, promised to present Match of the Day in only his underpants if Leicester City were to win the Premiership. They did, but I suspect he won’t!
Have you been following the underdog exploits of Leicester City?
In your opinion, what’s been the biggest ever sporting shock?
Despite all the accolades that Leicester City have been receiving, I feel two important facts have been missed which lessons their accomplishment. First, Leicester City’s goalkeeper used to play for Leeds United, my football team. No one is giving any credit to Leeds United for this crucial development.
And second, Leeds United play in the Championship, the league below the Premiership. There is no way Leicester City would have won if Leeds united had been in the same league!
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WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH DONALD TRUMP?
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Posted:May 23, 2016 10:27 am
Last Updated:Dec 31, 2016 8:52 am
68584 Views
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It seems that the US presidential race will be contested by Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.
I’m well aware that many Americans aren’t happy with this choice between these two very divisive politicians. And many non-Americans aren’t happy with Donald Trump as the Republican presidential candidate because of his anti-foreigner utterings.
Matthew Barzun, the Barack Obama-appointed American ambassador to the UK, recently asked me to find a way to derail Donald Trump’s presidential election campaign. He reasoned that America needs saving from itself!
Yesterday I delivered my secret dossier to the American ambassador in his Grosvenor Square residence in London. The ambassador read my dossier of dirty tricks with much interest. He decided that my favoured plan, a CIA-organised assassination, was too risky; but he instructed me to put into effect my Plan B.
This plan involves a volunteer to have sex with Donald Trump and, armed with photographic evidence and witness testimony, to sell the story to the National Enquirer and TMZ. The selfless volunteer will of course keep the monies raised from selling the story.
Would you have sex with Donald Trump to stop him becoming the next US president?
Who are the politicians you would most like to have sex with?
For the sake of world peace and harmony, I’m more than happy to have sex with Donald Trump, that’s how unselfish I am!
If I had to choose a politician to have sex with, it would be the Labour MP, Caroline Flint - see first two photos below. And I wouldn’t sell my story of my tryst with this sultry politician. We're on the same side!
Though I don’t normally have sex with Tories, I’d be happy to have a dominatrix session with the Conservative MP and Home Secretary, Theresa May - see the last photo below. I’d also be happy if she bought along her peeking colleague, Liz Truss, as her assistant. However, I would sell my story because they’re both Tories; I want to be a rich and not a poor Tory fucker!
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THERE’S A FUNNY SMELL AROUND HERE
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Posted:May 21, 2016 12:21 pm
Last Updated:Jun 18, 2016 12:33 am
66809 Views
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In Japan, Burger King once sold a meat perfume for people who like the smell of burgers. Its Flame-Grilled scent was based on the Whopper burger, which consists of flame-grilled beef, sliced onions, lettuce and mayonnaise.
Demeter produces a range of unusual perfumes. For example, it launched its Funeral Home perfume, which is supposed to smell like lilies and not dead bodies!
The American perfume house also produces Angel Food fragrance based on angel food cake, Baby Powder fragrance based on baby talcum powder, and Dirt fragrance based on mud from the fields of a Pennsylvanian farm.
The Sweet Tea Apothecary launched the Dead Writers perfume, a scent that allegedly "evokes the feeling of sitting in an old library chair paging through yellowed copies of Hemingway, Shakespeare, Fitzgerald, Poe, and more" or, in other words, old books!
État Libre d’Orange launched its Jasmin et Cigarette perfume to smell like cigarettes; Parfums de Nicolai produced its Fig Tea Eau Fraiche perfume to smell like tea; Clean concocted its Fresh Laundry perfume to smell like freshly-laundered linen; and Serge Lutens blended its Jeux de Peau perfume to smell like freshly baked bread and freshly made pastry.
Do you regularly wear perfume, scent, fragrance, after-shave, eau de toilette, etc?
If so, what is your favourite?
If you could have a fragrance specially made up for you, what favourite smell or smells would you have in your special fragrance?
Occasionally I’ll wear after-shave particularly if I’m going out. My favourite is Davidoff’s Cool Water though I also like to splash on a bit of Brut.
Though I like Burger King Whoppers, I couldn’t be tempted to wear its Flame-Grilled fragrance. As I smoke, there’s no need for me to wear État Libre d’Orange’s Jasmin et Cigarette perfume.
But if there was a perfume that smelled like freshly brewed coffee, then I’d ditch Cool Water and Brut so I could smell like a mug of strong coffee when I go out!
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54
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I LIKE UNSAFE MASTURBATION!
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Posted:May 19, 2016 10:59 am
Last Updated:Mar 8, 2017 11:53 am
51963 Views
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Egon Schiele’s Reclining Nude Masturbating:
Egon Schiele’s Self Portrait, Masturbating:
May is designated as National Masturbation Month.
In the UK, a wank is the male act of masturbating. However, if someone called me a wanker, they would not be calling me a masturbator. Instead, they would be accusing me of being a nasty and vindictive idiot. Similarly, a toss is a wank and a tosser is a wanker!
In the US, the Clinton administration had a policy on masturbation. After a 1994 speech on the United Nations World AIDS day, when the then US Surgeon General, Jocelyn Elders, said that masturbation "is part of human sexuality and ... perhaps should be taught". The then President Bill Clinton said her views reflected "differences with administration policy". She was later forced to resign by the US government.
Some European countries, including Britain, have encouraged masturbation amongst its teenage population as a way of reducing sexually-transmitted diseases and teenage pregnancy.
The American sexologist Carol Queen argued that the right to masturbate should be an "inalienable constitutional right". She also thought the right to orgasm should be a constitutional right.
In his book, With the Hand: A Cultural History of Masturbation, Mels van Driel found that women tend to masturbate at home, whereas men masturbate everywhere.
Other research has found that women, especially older women, are less likely to admit they masturbate than men and that up to 50 per cent of women refuse to admit they masturbate.
Woody Allen once quipped, "Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love."
Do you think masturbation should be a human, constitutional or legal right?
What terms do you use when describing the act of masturbation?
If you masturbate, where do you tend to masturbate?
My masturbatory habits generally consist of morning wanks in my bed. But I don’t use a tissue; I don’t practice safe masturbation; perhaps I am a wanker after all!
Halloween_Season’s Masturbation:
Mihaly von Zichy’s Studies of Masturbation:
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35
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COITUS INTERRUPTUS
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Posted:May 15, 2016 10:40 am
Last Updated:Jun 1, 2016 9:10 am
48161 Views
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Coitus interruptus is a traditional method of contraception whereby a man withdraws his penis from a woman’s vagina just before he ejaculates. Slightly surprisingly, an estimated 38 million couples worldwide use this withdrawal method as a form of birth control.
I’ve never used coitus interruptus as a form of contraception, but I have withdrawn in the hope of delaying my ejaculation. But the timing of my withdrawal has generally been faulty. Often I ended up ejaculating very soon after withdrawing, leaving me with a very frustrating orgasm and one very frustrated partner!
Now when having sex, I recite Mastermind’s 'I've started so I'll finish' catchphrase while my partner sings Van Halen’s Finish What Ya Started!
Though I now don’t do coitus interruptus, I have been interrupted while having sex on a few occasions. My Mum once interrupted me while in a teenage masturbatory frenzy; my then girlfriend’s mother walked into the bedroom just as I was losing my virginity with her ; and a disturbed me just as I was having sex doggy-style in a local park in the middle of the night!
Have you ever used coitus interruptus as a method of contraception?
Have you been interrupted while having sex?
I’ve never been interrupted while having sex with a warm apple pie … yet!
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38
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THE TOWER OF BABEL
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Posted:May 12, 2016 9:17 am
Last Updated:Jun 1, 2016 9:09 am
46001 Views
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7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17.
B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 73LL 7H3 W0RLD 7H47 5PUNKYCUMFUN H45 4 V3RY B1G C0CK!
C4N U R34D 7H15 M3554G3?
I love words. Words allow us to express ourselves. But I sometimes wonder whether words also limit our thoughts. I never quite know the extent to which my thoughts are shaped by language.
It’s estimated that there are between 5,000 and 7,000 languages in the world, though it’s not easy to distinguish between a language and a dialect.
Some scholars think that only humans speak a language; whereas other scholars argue that language can be found in other species, including our predecessors. Some scholars think language is genetically encoded and innate; whereas other scholars think language is socially learnt and cultured.
Below is Pieter Bruegel the Elder’s painting, The Tower of Babel, portraying the biblical myth about the origin of different languages. Painted in 1563, the Tower of Babel represents the creationist view of language. I love this painting; it predicts the skyscraper!
After the Great Flood, people from everywhere flocked to the land of Shinar. Speaking the same language, they started to build the city of Babel. Threatened by this act of human cooperation and ambition, god confounded these people by making them speak different languages so they were unable to understand each other to complete building this city. God then had these people scattered around the world.
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To link to this blog (spunkycumfun) use [blog spunkycumfun] in your messages.
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